Steering Wheels and Speed Bumps
by Digitaldreamer
Summary: It is time for Luke to become a... well, not a man, just someone who can drive. But don't fear for your lives just yet! With the love and support of his brother, Guy's coaching, and a hand from the rest of the cast...yeah, okay, be afraid. My bad. AU
1. A Manly Sort of Thing

**-Steering Wheels And Speed Bumps-  
A Tales of the Abyss Crack!AU by Digitaldreamer**

**Made with much crack!help from t3h Kaya/Darkle**  
**Chapter One: A Manly Sort of Thing**  
**---**

_  
Um...hi there! Welcome to my crack modern AU. Yay or something._

_...wait, don't leave, I have cookies!_

_Right. Sooo...yes, this is my crack ToA AU, and also my first fic of the ToA sort. Thus, I cannot guarantee it'll be that awesome, seeing how this is my first time writing for the characters and I rarely write humor. I probably wouldn't have even wrote this...except, well, that's where my best friend gets involved._

_She's the one who got me to play the game, and upon reaching the part where you get a permit for entering the Oracle Knights chamber...thing, she made the mistake of making the comment "Now they can drive!" Copious amounts of Mountain Dew and Ballroom Blitz by the Misfits on repeat did the rest._

_So yeah...this really doesn't have much of a plot. It's just a bunch of crazy, cracked out situations with the ToA characters in a modern setting. They're all strung around Luke's attempts to learn to drive and get over his whole inferiority complex (who DOESN'T love to play with that giant ball of angst? I mean, come on), but overall it's just supposed to be a fun little fic. There will probably be plenty of fluff, though, seeing how I'm a sucker for that. I don't have any planned pairings for now...I can't guarantee there won't be some yaoi, but Luke/Tear is so terribly cute..._

_Also, it will be noted the title is subject to change. I'm awful at picking titles, this one is pretty dull..._

_Anyway, enough of me rambling, on with the fic!_

**Disclaimer: If I owned Tales of the Abyss, there would be a lot more blatant gayness. Suffice to say, I do not own it.**

---_  
_**  
**When Guy opened the front door, he could smell something burning. He couldn't _see_ the source of said smell, however, which was an improvement over last week, at least.

"...Damn it." Was the blond's first reaction as he shrugged off his jacket and tossed it onto the couch, where it joined other various articles of clothing in a small heap. "Luke!"

"Huh?" Immediately a bright redhead came poking out of the kitchen door, from where a cloud of arid smoke seemed to be pouring out.

Guy sighed, reaching up to run a hand through his hair. "What was it this time?" He asked as he weaved his way through the living room towards the source of the disaster.

"It wasn't that bad!" Luke exclaimed defensively as his friend brushed past him. "The scrambled eggs are fine! And I managed to put out the toaster with the fire extinguisher this time!"

"Huh." Guy blinked, then coughed and waved a hand in front of his face. "Well, that's an improvement...I'm amazed you managed to remember where it was."

"Well, actually it wasn't where it was supposed to be." The redhead admitted as he moved about to open the windows. "I think Asch had to use it on the dryer a few days ago..."

Guy paused in his examination of everything to ensure nothing else was still aflame, brow furrowing. "...Well, that would explain all the pieces of burnt sweater I've been finding..." He let out another sigh. "Honestly, I don't know how you two manage these things..."

Luke shrugged. "Hell if I know." He muttered, finally slumping into a chair at the table with a sigh.

The blond shook his head as he dumped the charred remains of Luke's attempt at cooking into the wastebasket. "Right, well...I stand by what I said before, Luke. _Please_ don't try to cook when I'm not in the house." The seventeen-year old's shoulders slumped and Guy sighed. "Oh, come on, don't look like that. Cheer up. I'll make you something, alright?"

Luke immediately perked up, his green eyes wide and hopeful. "Can you make waffles!?"

Guy blinked, then gave a small chuckle. "Alright, alright, I'll make you your waffles..." He said as he pulled open the cabinets. "Assuming I can work out where the hell the waffle iron is anyway..."

"I thought it was with the canned food? Cause it's metal." Luke said, cocking his head.

The blond paused in his search. "...The canned food?"

"Yeah, right next to the corn!"

Guy blinked. "...We have corn?"

"Um, yeah..." Luke scratched his head. "I think Asch said he was going to make...Fajeetas or something."

This time Guy actually turned to stare at him. "...Fajeetas?"

"Yeah, fajeetas."

"...I don't think that's what you mean, Luke."

"Sure it is!" The redhead said brightly. "You know, like...a choco taco...except not..."

"...Okay, for one thing, choco tacos are not a Mexican invention, they just look like one." Guy said, scratching his head before turning back to his quest for the waffle iron.

Luke frowned as he leaned precariously on the back legs of his chair. "Yeah, I always wondered how the kept the ice cream from melting in Mexico..."

Guy let out a sigh and shook his head, saying nothing. Really, there was only so much he could do, and he didn't really want to put shattering Luke's apparent delusions over the Mysterious Land of Mexico on the agenda today. ("It _is _a mysterious land, they dance with strange hats there!" as Luke would say) "Aha!" The blond suddenly exclaimed, pulling out the waffle iron with a flourish, only managing to prevent an avalanche of pots and pans with extreme skill. "Found it! That explains why I couldn't find it, I think Asch was organizing everything again."

"That bastard!" Luke exclaimed dramatically.

"Yes, yes, that anal retentive bastard." Guy agreed solemnly as he set the waffle iron down and proceeded to dig around for more things. "Right, well, considering your twin's amazing ability to screw things up around here, this might take awhile. Why don't you go get out of your pajamas? We've got stuff to do today."

There was a 'Thud!' as Luke allowed his chair to drop onto all four legs. "We do?" The redhead asked, blinking. "But it's a Saturday!"

"Exactly." Guy said as he set the waffle mix down on the counter.

Luke's brow furrowed. "What, are we going shopping?"

Guy glanced back over his shoulder and grinned. "Well, I can't tell you yet, it's a surprise!"

"It is?"

"Yup."

"...I don't like your kind of surprises."

"Hey, hey, that thing on your birthday was totally unplanned!" Guy said as he pointed a spatula in Luke's direction. "...Although it was almost worth it for the look on Asch's face..." He added, allowing the spatula to drop to his side as a thoughtful look came to his face.

"Why is it I can't remember this? For some reason all that comes to mind is something involving candy canes..." Luke said, brow furrowing further.

Silence.

"...Well, um, anyway!" Guy said quickly, smoothly changing the subject. "Today isn't that kind of surprise, so go on and get dressed!"

Luke frowned. "Why can't you just tell me what it is now?"

"You know I can't! Now go on, get dressed already!" Guy said, making a shoo-ing motion with his spatula. "Seriously, you're still wearing the apron..."

The redhead paused, then glanced down to note that he was indeed still wearing a slightly spattered white apron with the words "Kiss the Cook" scrawled upon it. "Oh yeah..." He tugged the thing off, holding it before him and blinking. "Funny, I don't remember you buying this thing..."

Guy's brow furrowed. "What are you talking about? I didn't buy it."

"Well,_I_ didn't buy it!" Luke exclaimed. "So who..."

There was a silence.

"..._No_." Both spoke at the same time, their eyes wide.

Silence.

"...I'm going to go...change now...yeah..."

"Yeeaah...I'm going to...you know...make waffles now."

"You do that."

"Yeah."

"...Yeeaah..."

With that, Luke edged out of the room. The two never spoke of The Apron again.

---

About twenty minutes later found Luke sitting at the table, freshly showered, his short, bright red hair brushed into some semblance of order. He was clad in a pair of baggy brown cargo pants (which really had far too many zippers and buckles to be safe, especially for Luke), a tight black t-shirt which really probably would have better suited a more feminine figure (sadly, this was decent as opposed to his original choice of a belly shirt, which Asch had the mind to be adamantly against his twin actually purchasing. Guy would have protested too, but he was hiding from the female sales clerk at the time.), and a white hoodie with gold trim and a strange black demon..._thing_ printed on the back.

This hoodie was known as Luke's "Most Favorite Hoodie Ever" and it was also known as the only thing both Guy and Asch agreed on as "The Oddest And Most Likely to Be Possessed Thing Ever". Their constant battle to attempt to finally destroy the thing, consisting of such plots as setting it aflame (it was apparently impervious to fire), tying it to train tracks in front of an oncoming train (it somehow escaped and found it's way back to the house), and exorcising it (they still didn't understand why that priest had run away screaming) were a collection of tales that would shock and amaze many for ages, but will have to remain untold.

"Alright, here you go, Luke." Guy said as he slid a plate of steaming waffles across the table. "Fresh waffles, made by yours truly."

"Awesome!" Luke cried, snatching the bottle of syrup and proceeding to drown the poor waffles in the sticky substance before digging in. "Mmm...Thanks, Guy!" He said through a mouthful of waffle.

Guy gave a small chuckle as he slid into the seat across from Luke with a slightly smaller plate of his own, reaching out to take the syrup bottle. "No problem, Luke."

The redhead shoveled more of the waffles into his mouth before taking a gulp of his juice. "So, do I get to know what the surprise is yet?"

The blond frowned thoughtfully for a moment around a mouthful of waffles, then nodded and swallowed. "Alright, here's the deal." He said, eyes narrowing as he stared at Luke seriously.

"Luke," Guy said, taking a moment to pause dramatically. "Today is the day you become...a Man!"

There was a silence for a few seconds.

"Wait, are you saying I act like I girl!" Luke cried.

"What?" Guy blinked. "No, this has nothing to do with how you dress!"

"Oh..." Luke paused. "...What's wrong with how I dress!?"

"ANYWAY." Guy said, once again using his amazingly smooth skills to change the subject. "Today is the day you are going to become a Man."

"Um...okay...how does--"

"Yes, Luke." The blond continued as if his friend had not spoken. "Today is the day you are going to learn...TO DRIVE."

"...What? That's it?" Luke blinked. "...But...I don't _want_ to learn to drive!"

Guy blinked. "You don't?"

"No!" The redhead exclaimed. "Why on earth would I need to learn to drive? I just catch a ride with you or Asch! ...Mostly you because if I dare to breathe in Asch's car he threatens to strangle me, but that isn't the point."

"Well...because...um...well, it's a MANLY thing, Luke." Guy said simply.

"It is?" Luke quirked a brow.

"...Yes."

Silence.

The blond let out a sigh. "Okay Luke, truth is, sooner or later you're really going to have to learn. Don't get me wrong, I love helping you, but sooner or later I'm going to have to...you know, actually get a job and all."

"But you get paid to live here!" Luke countered. "I mean, my dad pays you, right?"

"Well, yeah. But you're almost eighteen, so..."

"Oh yeah...right." The redhead's shoulders slumped and he let out a sigh.

Guy winced. "Oh, come on Luke, don't look like that. It's not like I'm leaving or anything. I mean, sheesh, if I left you two here by yourselves you'd burn the place down in a week. Just...you know, once you're old enough you're gonna have to fend for yourself in the real world, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know." Luke sighed, leaning back in his chair and staring up at the ceiling. "Just...wish I didn't, that's all."

"And I wish I didn't shriek every time I was approached by women but, well, that's life." Guy said with a shrug.

"No, that's your freakish phobia." Luke muttered.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." Guy said. "Anyway...well, look, once you start driving you might change your mind. It's kind of fun once you get the hang of it." He said with a reassuring smile.

"Uh huh." The redhead muttered, poking at the waffles he had been eating with so much relish earlier.

"Oh come on, cheer up." Guy said, taking another bite of his waffles. "Look, I promise once we're done I'll take you to the arcade, okay?"

"The arcade?" Luke perked up a little.

"Yup! It's been a few weeks since I properly schooled you at Mortal Kombat anyway." Guy said with a grin.

Luke snorted. "Yeah right, more like _I_ schooled _you_!"

"That was only because you cheated that one time! You know how I feel about Chun Li!" The blond cried.

"That's excluding all the other times where your crazy phobia _didn't_ get in the way." Luke said with a grin.

Guy huffed. "You're just asking for it, aren't you? You just wait."

Luke snickered. "Whatever you say, Guy."

The blond shook his head and stood, picking up his empty plate and glancing towards Luke's. "You done with that or you want more?"

The redhead paused, casting a glance towards the extra waffles that would buy him some time before his impending doom on wheels."Well..." He sighed, standing and handing his sticky plate to Guy. "I guess holding it off much longer will just make me feel worse..."

"That's the spirit!" Guy grinned, taking the plate and turning towards the sink. "Right, well, I'll just wash these and then we'll be off. You go get ready."

Heaving a dramatic sigh, Luke turned and headed for the door. "Alright..."

The redhead was already sure he was minutes from certain doom. He just had no idea just what an understatement "certain doom" was.

---

**To Be Continued...**

_Please review and tell me what you thought! Criticism is always good too. Really, just any encouragement so I'll know if I should continue this or not would be great..._


	2. It's Okay, Those Mailboxes Had It Coming

**-Steering Wheels and Speed Bumps-**

**A Tales of the Abyss Crack!AU by Digitaldreamer**

**Made with much crack!help from t3h Kaya/Darkle**  
** Chapter Two: It's Okay, Those Mailboxes Had It Coming**  
** ---    **

**_  
_**_Annnd I'm back, after writing two angsty one-shots and once again realizing I'm far better at angst than I am at crack._

_Ah well, this is just for fun anyway...although if you enjoy this you should seriously review and tell me, so I don't feel like writing this thing is completely pointless. If all else fails I can always go back and redo things a bit so it's a bit less crack and more plot...well, as plotted as a high school AU can be._

_Actually, scratch that. There is a plot. You should probably keep reading so you can see it and stuff. That and driving instructor Jade. You know want to see Jade. He's in the next chapter, so...yes._

_I'm not too sure about this chapter, like...how funny it is. There's some good parts and some not so good parts...and Anise and Arietta. Actually, I think it started failing around Anise and Arietta and their crazy epic feud, but I tried._

_...Anyway, yes, shutting up. Do enjoy, and reviews, especially critiques, are always greatly appreciated._

**---**

"Guy?"

"Yeah?" Guy asked, his voice echoing through the garage.

"What are we doing in here?" Luke asked as he peered into the dark, somewhat musty room from the doorway.

"Well, you need a car to drive, don't you?" The blond glanced back at his best friend and grinned.

"But...your car is still outside." Luke observed, gesturing to the empty space where Guy's used, but still decently nice car usually stood.

Guy snorted. "You_really _think I am letting your inexperienced, unmanly hands touch my baby? I think not, I spent _years _saving for that." At Luke's pout the blond smirked. "But don't worry...I have something far, far better in mind. Why soil my baby when we can use something much, much, _much _better?" He drawled, gesturing to the other side of the garage.

At Luke's blank stare Guy sighed, then reached over and adjusted the teen's head a few degrees. "The PORSCHE, Luke." He exclaimed, gesturing to the shimmering tons of blindingly beautiful red, highly polished, the-speedometer-goes-higher-than-any-sane-person-should-ever-drive-at glory.

"The Tartarus!?" The redhead gasped, eyes wide.

Guy blinked. "Asch named his car the Tartarus?"

"No, I did."

"Oh."

"Oooohhh," Luke oogled at the car, then frowned. "But Asch made it clear I'm not supposed to go within ten yards of that car without him nearby...and when he's around it's five yards."

Guy blinked. "I thought you rode in it?"

"Once. He made me wear a breathing mask."

"Ah." Guy put his hands on his hips. "Well then Luke, today is your lucky day, because would you look at that, _your brother is at work_!"

Luke frowned. "Well, yeah, but I'm not supposed to..."

"Luke?" Guy interrupted. "Does your brother like you?"

"Well, yesterday he only said 'I hate you' half as often as usual and the rest of the time he just grunted, so I think I'm making progress!" Luke beamed, clearly proud of himself.

"...Right. Well, with that in mind, I think you'd make much more progress at that if you were out of the house more, and I think Asch would agree. Therefore, I think his hatred of you may even override his love of his car if it's enough to get you out of his face." Guy said with a grin of his own.

"...That's really depressing, Guy." Luke said.

"Eh, a bit, but we can't help that Asch is a bastard." Guy shrugged, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. "Anyway, let's go!"

"How'd you get those!?" Luke sputtered, his eyes wide. "Asch always hides them so well!"

"...They were on the key rack, Luke." Guy said.

"We have a key rack?" The redhead blinked.

Guy was silent for a moment, then sighed and hit a button on the remote, the car's lights flashing and beeping as it unlocked. "Just...get in." The blond muttered before making his way around to the passenger's side of the vehicle.

Luke was left looking bewildered for a moment, then he shrugged and ducked into the driver's seat.

_WHUMPH!_

"Ow!"

Or rather, he tried, and the top bar of the doorway said otherwise. The teen stumbled back and clutched at his head as Guy tried very hard not to laugh.

"Are you alright?" The blond called out, not quite succeeding at keeping the amusement from his tone.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine..." Luke groaned, then eased himself into the seat. "Geez, that can't be a good sign...maybe we shouldn't do this..."

"Nah, don't worry about it. That was just a bit of bad luck, that's all. I'm sure you'll be fine." Guy said reassuringly. "Now take the keys and put them in the ignition."

Luke took the keys hesitantly, then, with a gulp, did as he was told. He cast a glance at Guy, whom nodded encouragingly, then, taking a deep breath and squeezing his eyes shut, he revved up the Tartarus.

The engine sputtered, then died.

Luke opened his eyes and blinked, then glanced to Guy. "Um...maybe you didn't turn it enough, try again." The blond suggested.

Luke revved up the car again, only to get the same reaction.

Guy frowned, then reached over and took the keys himself, twisting them. The engine roared to life. "There we go!" The blond said. "You just weren't doing it forcefully enough." At Luke's dejected face the blond smiled. "Come on, don't worry. Just take it out of park, alright?"

Luke did...and the car promptly jerked forward, going straight for Guy's workbench.

"GAAAAAA—ACK!" Both screams were cut short as Luke slammed on the brakes and the two slumped against their seat-belts, the shimmering red porsche coming to a stop mere inches from Guy's precious tools.

" Whew...that was close..." Guy muttered, wiping the sweat from his brow as he eyed his workbench. Upon catching Luke's wide eyes, the blond forced a shaky laugh. "Sorry, I should have specified. I meant in _reverse_."

"Ooooohhhh..." Luke nodded in understanding, then blinked down at the dashboard. "You mean the big R?"

"Yes Luke, the big R."

"Alright!" The redhead nodded, switched gears, and then...floored it.

"AHHHHH! LUKE, STOP!" Guy screamed, blue eyes wide as he glanced back. "THE GARAGE DOOR IS CLOSED!"

"WHA!?" Luke yelped, slamming on the brakes. Once again, the porsche skidded to a stop mere inches from certain doom. The two best friends slumped in their seat-belts, breathing heavily.

"O...kay..." Guy said slowly, reaching up to press the remote hooked to one of the mirrors with a shaking finger. The garage door whirred and opened. "L-let's try that again-- GENTLY." He added before Luke could slam his sneaker-clad foot on the gas again.

Luke bit his lip, then_gently _placed his toe on the gas. The Tartarus rolled slowly backward, inch by inch...slowly...slowly...finally after about a minute it finally made it fully into the driveway and under the shining sun.

"There! You did it!" Guy cheered. "I'm so proud of you!"

"But...all I did was leave the garage." Luke blinked.

"Annnd that's progress, my friend!" The blond beamed.

Luke huffed. "_Asch_didn't have any trouble...forget this." He grumbled, making as if to get it out.

"Whoa, whoa, hold on!" Guy cried. "Come on Luke, don't give up just yet, we haven't even started!" Luke peered back into the car at him, pouting. "Oh, come on, don't give me that look, it'll be fun, I promise."

Luke looked at him for another moment, then sighed and got back into the car. "Fine." He sighed, getting back in.

"That's my Luke! Now come on, how about some tunes?" Guy said with a smile, flicking the radio on.

"_Drive back to me baby, fast in your car! I'm here waiting, crash into me real hard!"_

Both Guy and Luke blinked at the radio for a moment, then Guy gave a nervous laugh and changed the station. "What a weird coincidence, huh?"

"_You come to crash into me, and I come into you--"_

Guy's brow furrowed and he quickly changed the station again.

"_No commotion, no screaming brakes, most of it is over before I awake--"_

Guy scowled and changed the station again.

"_Well, the windshield was broken but I love the fresh air you know! The dashboard melted but we still have the radio--"_

"What the hell!?" Guy sputtered as he changed the station again.

"Hey, I liked that one!" Luke cried, somehow oblivious.

"_Grandma got runover by a reindeer--"_

" Oh, come on! I_like _that Christmas song, it isn't even about cars!"

"No."

"_(In a car crash!) A dead letter marked return to sender (In a car crash!)--"_

Click.

"H-hey, I--"

"We don't need any music." Guy stated.

"Er...you alright Guy?" Luke blinked from behind the wheel. "You look...really, really pale."

" Huh? O-oh, don't worry, I'm fine!" Guy said shakily. It was just beginning to dawn on him that he may not return from this little venture. "Anyway...just let's just go, huh? Take your foot _slowly _off the brake--"

"_VROOM!_" Went the car.

"_SCREEEEE!_" Went the wheels.

"_TIRE-TRACK'D!_" Went the Fabre boys lawn.

"_AHHHHH!_" Went Luke.

"_OH GOD OH GOD LUKE I SAID SLOWLY, SLOOOOOWLY!_" Went Guy.

And with that, they were off.

_---_

_BAM!_

"Gah, what was that!?" Luke screamed, his hands clenching around the steering wheel as he tensed.

"Oh, just another pedestrian..." Guy sighed.

"WHAT!? OH GOD DON'T TELL ME I HIT ANOTHER OLD LADY!" Luke shrieked.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" Guy said with a nervous laugh. "It was just another trash can, don't worry about it Luke..."

"Oh man, I'm hitting people's trash cans!?" Luke moaned.

"Shouldn't you know? You're the one driving..." Guy mumbled.

"Auuugh, I'm horrible at this!" The redhead groaned, slumping back in his seat. "Maybe we should forget about it...or...you know...try a place without so many people--"

POW!

"...and mail boxes." Luke added.

"That one had it coming, it was really ugly. You're doing that family a service, trust me."

"GUY!"

"Alright, alright, relax!" Guy said with a nervous laugh. "Somewhere without so many trash cans and stuff, huh..." He frowned, rubbing his chin. He then grinned, snapping his fingers. "I've got it!"

---  
_  
_"G-Guy?"

"...Yes Luke?"

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea..."

"Nonsense! You're doing fine!" Guy said brightly.

The mile-long lineup of cars behind them, their lights blazing, horns honking, and tires screeching as Luke inched along on the highway at about twenty miles an hour said otherwise.

Luke bit his lip, his brow furrowing. "Maybe I should go a bit faster..." His foot inched towards the gas pedal.

"NO!" Guy shouted, causing Luke to glance to him and blink. "I-I mean...no, don't worry about it, it's fine Luke. You're doing just fine." He said weakly.

"But I'm pretty sure the speed limit is 70..."

"It isn't."

"But I swear I saw a sign and it said--"

"IGNORE the signs and keep your eyes on the road, Luke."

"But all those cars are honking at me and--"

Guy twitched. "Americans need to learn to slow down their fast-paced lifestyle anyway, Luke. You're doing them a service."

"B-but--"

"Just drive." The blond groaned and slumped back in his seat, putting his face in his hands. 'At least there aren't anymore trash cans or mail boxes to be mowed down out here. ...Actually, come to think of it, there wasn't much of _anything_ out here...just lots of trees.'Guy's brow furrowed and he sat up, glancing around. "Where a_re _we, anyway?"

"..."

---

Roughly ten minutes and a few stop signs crumpled across the front end of the not-so-shiny-anymore Tartarus later, and Luke was now struggling not to have a panic attack as he tried to pull into a parking place outside of a town shopping plaza.

"Okay, now just pull in slowly...sloooowly..."

_SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_Guy really, really hoped that SUV had insurance.

"Perfect!" Guy said brightly. "Great job Luke, you've now officially parked for the first time!" Just outside, a car alarm went off.

"...Guy...I think I'm taking up three parking spots." Luke said as he peered over his shoulder. He would have just looked out his own window, but there seemed to be a van looming dangerously close...and by dangerously close, the author means "roughly three centimeters".

"Don't worry Luke, you're fine." Guy said as he opened the passenger door and got out. "I'm going to go get some idea as to where we are. You stay here."

"Wait, you're leaving me in here?" Luke blinked.

"Don't worry, I'll be back." The blond slammed the door to the porsche closed and was gone.

"But I..." The redhead reached a hand towards the door, then gave a sigh and slumped in his seat. "Oh well...I guess it's not so bad to take a break from driving anyway." The boy let out a groan, covering his face with his hands. "God, I'm so horrible at this...Asch never had any trouble, so why am I so bad? Just like usual..."

Fortunately for Luke's inferiority complex, this depressing train of thought was interrupted by the sounds of sniffling.

The teen allowed his hand to drop to his lap, brow furrowing in confusion. "Who is that?" He wondered aloud, crawling over the divider between his seat and the passenger seat so he could properly peer out the window. What awaited him was the sight of a young girl who looked to be around the age of thirteen kneeling in the middle of the parking lot, her face in her hands as she sobbed. Her dark brown hair was pulled into two pigtails with ribbons, her strange pink-ish uniform getting stained with her tears, a small yellow-ish plush _something_ cradled in her lap.

"Oh man...I wonder what's wrong with her?" The redhead wondered aloud. "Maybe I should go see..." He reached for the door handle, then paused, brow furrowing. "...Well, it's not like Guy would want me to just leave some kid crying anyway." With that, Luke opened the door and slid out of Asch's car.

He then made his way across the blacktop, jogging up to the girl. "Hey...hey, are you alright?" The redhead called as he slowed to a stop before her, then knelt so he was at her eye level. "Hey little girl, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" Luke asked, trying to keep his voice friendly and smiling.

The girl glanced up at him, her eyes watery with tears...and then she grinned. "No reason anymore!"

Luke blinked. "Wha?"

The girl's grin widened. "Allow me to explain!" With that, she hopped to her feet, pulling something from her uniform. "HA!" Several fudge-striped cookies flew from her hands...and proceeded to spin around Luke as if on their own, strands of shimmering, sugar-pink ribbons extending from them and wrapping Luke up like a Christmas present.

"What the-- GAH!" Luke yelped, stumbling backwards...only to fall flat on his ass.

The girl giggled and clapped her hands together. "Perfect! Super Special Dark Girl Scout Anise wins again!"

"Wha...girl scout?" Luke repeated, brow furrowing. "You're a _girl scout_?"

"Couldn't you tell?" Anise beamed, gesturing to her uniform. "I would have thought the ridiculously adorable uniform (Available with a few easy payments of $9.95!) would give it away...looks like I got lucky enough to get a_really _oblivious sap this time, didn't I Tokunaga?" She giggled, speaking now to the strange, cat-like plush in her arms.

"Hey! I am not an oblivious sap!" Luke snapped.

Anise scowled. "Do you mind? Tokunaga and I were having a moment! Besides, you _are_. What kind of idiot takes up three parking spots?" She sneered, putting her hands on her hips.

"I—I...well I...I'm still learning!" Luke stuttered.

"Uh huh, sure you are." Anise smirked. "Regardless of if you are or not, you're still really rich, aren't you?"

"Um...yeah, I guess...how did you know that?" Luke blinked.

"You just told me." Anise pointed out. "I was right to guess, you are indeed rich...which means you'll do juuuust fine!" Her eyes flashed evilly as she rubbed her hands together.

"Just fine for what?" The redhead demanded, eyes narrowing.

"Well...tell me Luke, do you have a _girlfriend_?" Anise began slowly, tracing her finger along the edge of his jawline.

"Er...n-no..." Luke stuttered as he struggled in his bonds.

Anise's smirk widened. "I _thought_ not...so what do you say, Luke? You're rich, and I'm adorable. We could make quite a pair!" She drawled as she came in closer.

"N-no thanks...I'm really not interested..." Luke said as he tried desperately to struggle away from her.

The girl pouted. "Why not!? Am I not cute enough or something?"

"What!? N-no, it's not that you're not...I don't know, how the hell am I supposed to answer that!?" The redhead cried. "You're like, what, twelve!? Besides, you've taken me _hostage_!"

Anise huffed. "You_really_ aren't very smart, are you?" She asked, putting her hands on her hips again.

Luke scowled. "I'm getting a C average, alright? That's not that bad!"

The pigtailed girl frowned a moment, then sighed. "Oh, forget it. I don't think even the money would be worth _your_ level of idiocy."

"Hey!"

"Soooo I'll just take a nice little donation and be on my way." Anise said, holding out her hand.

"A donation?" Luke repeated, brow furrowing.

"Yup. Let's see...I could use some extra money...but of course Ion always appreciates the funds, so we'll up the price on about a thousand boxes of cookies—"

"A thousand boxes!?" The teen cried, jaw dropping.

"Yup! Hey, everyone loves girl scout cookies, right? I don't see why _you're_ complaining." Anise winked.

"Well...maybe...I mean, Asch _does_ get that crazed look in his eyes whenever we mention them..." The redhead trailed off, then shuddered. The memory of the time when he had gotten between Asch and that box of chocolate mint cookies had been a day he really wished would join the Candy Cane Incident as another thing he couldn't remember. Unfortunately, he had too many scars in very, very interesting places for him to be that lucky. "Yeah, cookies are great...but a thousand boxes is a bit much." Luke said.

"Too bad! It's either that or you're staying right here! So pay up for those thousand boxes, mister!" Anise declared, crossing her arms before her. "With interest, of course."

"Interest?" The redhead groaned. "Come on, there's no way I have that much on me...come to think of it, I _never_ have much on me..." He trailed off, frowning. The last time Asch or Guy had let him handle money was ages ago, and that had ended in roughly a hundred going missing, while the rest went towards a box full of rocks that Luke seemed to believe was a PlayStation 3. Luke still had no idea why Asch had been so mad, it was a perfectly nice next gen system! Seriously, it had plenty of games...ish...okay maybe it hadn't been such a great idea.

Anise just laughed. "You'd betterwork out a way to get the money then! Until you can, you're staying _right_ here!" She cackled in a singsong tone.

Luke gaped at her. "But... I thought the girl scouts were all about...you know, friendship and love and helping the elderly and stuff. Doesn't this go against everything you guys stand for?"

"Oh, of course we are. But that doesn't mean I can't collect some stuff for myself on the side." Anise said with a shrug.

"But...that's not fair!" The redhead cried.

The thirteen-year old stuck out her tongue at him. "_Life's_ not fair, now stop whining and pay up!"

"You're mean!" Luke huffed.

"Yeah, well, you're ugly!" Anise snapped back.

"I am not!" The boy pouted. "Besides, you're the one who's flat-chested!"

"WHA!?" Anise yelped. "I'm still growing, you jerk! Besides, so are you!"

"Why would I care!? I'm a guy!"

"Yeah, well, you sure aren't acting like it, you big whiner!"

"I am not whining!"

"Luke?" Both Anise and Luke glanced over to see Guy standing there, holding two sodas and looking very confused. "What have I told you about messing around with kids? You know they always beat you in arguments."

"It's not my fault!" Luke cried indignantly. "_She's _the one holding _me_hostage!" He nodded to his bonds.

Guy put his hands on his hips, brow furrowing for a moment. "Holding you hostage..." He couldn't help but grin. "Well, I suppose it's not that farfetched, this wouldn't be the first time a little girl outsmarted you..."

Luke scowled and looked away, his face becoming about as red as his hair. "Damnit Guy, I told you not to mention that again!"

The blond's grin widened. "I'm sorry Luke, but after she forced you into that dress--"

"Someone made you wear a _dress_!?" Anise cried, her expression one of shocked glee.

"Yeah. Real nice color too, it went really well with the ribbon in his hair." Guy snickered.

"S-shut up! It wasn't like I wanted to, just...she was tough, alright!?" Luke cried.

"She was _six_ Luke!"

Luke gaped for a moment. "I...guh...DAMNIT GUY NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS!" He cried, thrashing so hard in his bonds that his body bounced up and down on the pavement like some sort of red-haired, oblivious-to-everything-and-easily-distracted-by-shiny-things fish out of water. Actually, to say Luke had the attention span of a goldfish wasn't such an off claim, but that has nothing to do with the fact that he seriously looked ridiculous all trussed up like that. Seriously, what is wrong with the author, going off on a tangent like that?

The blond chuckled, scratching his neck. "Sorry Luke...good times, that's all. Good times." He shook his head, then turned to Anise. "Right, anyway, I'm sorry miss, but could you let my friend go?"

"Nope." Anise said bluntly, shaking her head.

Guy's brow furrowed. "Why not? Come on, I'm sure we can work out whatever he did, but tying him up like that isn't going to solve anything..." He said, holding up his hands in surrender. "Well, aside from Asch's wishes..." He added under his breath.

Anise shook her head again. "He's my hostage, and I'm not giving him up until I get my ransom!"

The blond gave a sigh. "O...kay then...what's the ransom?"

"You have to buy one thousand boxes of my cookies, plus interest!" The girl scout declared.

"Wha-what!? That's way too much!" Guy stuttered, his eyes wide. It wasn't so much the money, as it was the mental image of what Luke would be capable of with so much sugar in his system. The city on fire, people running around screaming, noodles...the blond shuddered and returned to the present. "Can't we just buy like...twenty boxes and call it even?"

"Nope! It's a thousand or no deal!" The thirteen-year old declared.

Guy sighed. "Sorry, but I really don't think we can afford that..." Or rather, the destruction it would cause. "So I'm afraid I have no choice but to just get my buddy free on my own. Sorry little girl, I promise we'll buy some cookies next time." With that, he made his way towards Luke.

"Yes! Whoo, go Guy!" Luke whooped, bouncing again.

"Wait, no! You can't!" Anise cried, leaping at Guy...whom promptly gave a very loud scream and backed away as if he'd been burned.

"Gyaaaah!" The blond shuddered, his entire body tensed as he stared at Anise with horrified eyes.

Anise stumbled, as her speed was really way too much considering Guy's sudden lack of being there for her to hit, and fell to the ground. She sat there, blinking up at Guy. "Wow...am I really that strong?"

Luke gave a groan. So much for his rescue. "Trust me, it has nothing to do with you beyond you having an extra X chromosome." He muttered, hanging his head.

"Chromosome? Wow Luke, I didn't even know you knew that word!" Guy sounded quite proud in spite of his stutter.

"Oh, shut up!"

The thirteen-year old girl blinked. She then stepped towards Guy, whom promptly stepped back. She stepped again and Guy edged back, looking very, very nervous. A grin spread across her face. "Well, what do you know? Looks like your rescue is too scared of a little girl to help you, Luke."

"Of course." The redhead moaned.

"I-I'm sorry, Luke. Don't worry, I'll work out some way to-- GAAH!" Guy yelped as Anise suddenly leered towards him.

"Uh huh."

Anise giggled. "Well then, how about buying those cookies, hmm?"

"Stop right there, Anise!" A lone voice suddenly called out dramatically.

Anise's eyes widened and she turned, her face twisting into the sort of expression one gets upon seeing something incredibly disgusting, such as Britney Spears latest attention-grabbing exploit. "Gloomietta!" She snarled, her hands clenching into fists at her sides.

A girl in a uniform similar to Anise's, but black with pink lining, stood upon the top of a van, a plush doll cradled in her arms, long pink hair billowing dramatically in the wind like a...dramatic billowing thing. "That's Arietta!" She snapped.

Anise stuck out her tongue. "Who cares about your name? _Ion_ doesn't."

The pink-haired girl gave a cry of outrage. "He likes me _way_ more than he likes you, you bitch!"

"Does not!" Anise snapped back. "It doesn't matter how much you whore yourself out to sell cookies, Ion has _always_ preferred my troop and you know it!"

"Geez...kind of intense for a bunch of preteens, isn't this?" Luke wondered aloud.

"Luke, clearly you haven't seen much of today's youth. " Guy remarked sagely. "Though I do have to wonder who this Ion guy is..."

---

Somewhere off in a den mom's house, a certain green-haired girl scout sneezed.

"Oh my gosh! Ion, do you have a cold!?" One girl cried.

Ion blushed, holding up his hands. "I-I'm fine, really. It's nothing, don't worry about me everyone."

This seemed to have been the wrong gesture to make, as multiple girls immediately gushed "Oh, Master Ion!" and fell upon him in a daze of love and preteen affection. Really, Ion thought, one of these days he should really get around to telling the troop leaders that he really wasn't girl, there had been a huge misunderstanding, and he should _not_ be a girl scout...but for now...

---

"Ion does not prefer your troop! He let _me_ hold his beret!" Arietta exclaimed.

Anise gasped. "He...HE DIDN'T!"

Arietta smirked. "Oh yes he did. And it even had one of his _hairs_ in it."

Her rival gasped yet again. _"NO_!"

"Oh _yes_, Anise, oh yes." The pink-haired girl cackled. "I added it to my_collection_, can you beat that!?"

"I...I..." Anise stuttered. "W-well, I have used popsicle sticks and gum and...and...SHUT UP!"

"I wasn't aware preteens were so...stalkerish either..." Luke commented.

"Okay, I'll admit, this is creepy even for today's youth..." Guy muttered, scratching his head.

Arietta cackled. "Yes, Anise, that's right, I'm winning! That's why I can't allow you to do this, selling so many cookies and usurping my position as Ion's number two! Those customers are _mine!" _

"No they're not! I caught these two fair and square, and I intend to keep it that way!" Anise snarled.

"You know...when I imagined two girls fighting for me, this really wasn't how it played out in my head..." Luke mumbled.

"SHUT UP! THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU" Both Arietta and Anise roared, causing the redhead to whimper and shrink back with a quiet apology.

Arietta huffed, then turned back to Anise. "Fine then, I'll just have to take them by force!" She declared, holding up her arm. Quite suddenly an army of girl scouts seemed to pop out of nowhere, all clad in the same uniform as Arietta. Splotches of black war paint were painted across their faces, some carrying crossbows armed with fudge-striped cookie arrows and shortbread tomahawks, while others hefted great machine guns upon their shoulders, strings of thin mint ammo strapped across their chests.

Anise smirked. "Please. Did you really think I'd come alone, Gloomietta!?" She drawled, snapping her fingers. A similar army appeared from the other side of the parking lot, some with scarves pulled over their faces and do-si-dos clenched between their fingers like ninja stars, while others wielded staves topped off with carmel delights. Still others held sheathed sugar-free chocolate chip daggers at their sides. Their leader stood before them, hands on her hips.

Her pink-haired rival scowled. "I-it doesn't matter! My numbers far outweigh yours, we'll crush you all like _bugs_!"

"We'll see, won't we, Arietta?" Anise grinned as she pulled out her own staff.

Luke gaped at the army of little girls, his mouth going dry. "Oh man...what do we do, Guy!?" He called out. "...Guy?"

Poor Guy didn't seem to have the ability to form any coherent thought, he was shaking at the knees as he stared at all the girls, his expression one of horror. "I...I...I..." He whimpered.

"CHARGE!" Arietta cried.

With a great war cry in the form of "TODAY IS A GREAT DAY FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DIE!" her troop did just that, leaping across the hoods of cars towards their apparent mortal enemies.

"Get them!" Anise shouted, charging as well. The parking lot was consumed in a battle of sugary delights, crumbs flying everywhere. High-pitched cries filled the air as the pint-sized warriors did battle. Hair was pulled, skirts were torn, the ninja disappeared from view and reappeared with puffs of pink smoke, while dozens of girls were felled by a single round from the thin mint machine guns.

Somewhere in the middle of the chaos was Luke, still quite tied up. The redhead gave a panicked shout and threw himself out of the way just in time to avoid being hit by a round of fire, only to roll seconds later before he could be trampled. "Great, just great!" He cried. "After all the near-death experiences today, instead of it being a car crash, I'm going to get killed in the crossfire of a girl scout war! Somehow this just doesn't seem-- GAAAH!" Again he scooted backwards, a chocolate chip dagger embedding into the ground where he stood. Unfortunately, this put him in the crossfire of the machine guns again, and unfortunately he was in no position to dodge! The redhead squeezed his eyes shut, expecting the inevitable...

Only to feel two hands grabbing him and throwing him aside. The redhead blinked, then glanced up to see Guy standing there in all of his dramatic, blond, terrified-of-women glory, huffing as crumbs tumbled off of him in the wind.

"Guy!" Luke cried, his emerald eyes shining with enough gratitude to make a regular reader of shoujo manga cringe. "You came to my rescue!"

"Well, of course!" The blond grinned, crouching down to undo Luke's bonds. "Did you really think I was going to leave you at the mercy of a bunch of girl scouts?" Luke just glared at him. "...Hey, hey, don't look at your rescuer like that!"

The redhead shook his head and sat up, shaking off the rest of the ribbons as he did so. "Whatever, the point is I'm free now." He said, stretching for a moment, then ducking to avoid a haphazard cookie.

"Right, let's get out of here while they're still distracted." Guy nodded, grabbing Luke's arm and pulling him to his feet. The two then began to slowly edge their way towards the porsche, hoping to remain unnoticed. Of course, that wasn't going to happen, because today was just _not_ their day.

They made it about halfway before a lone voice suddenly rang out through the parking lot. "Hey, the hostages are getting away!" Both Luke and Guy flinched as the entire hoard of girls stopped what they were doing and fixed their collective preteen gaze on them.

"Well, crap."

"GET THEM!" Anise cried.

"RUN, LUKE, RUN!" Guy screamed, shoving Luke forward. The two immediately made a break for it, as behind them with a collective whoop the entire mass of pink, black, and sugary goodness charged. Thin mint bullets whizzed through the air above their heads as they ran for their lives, exploding around them in showers of crumbs and sprinkles. Luke dived to the side just in time to avoid a do-si-do ninja star, while Guy narrowly avoided a carmel delight-tipped spear.

"This is insane! INSANE!" Luke shrieked as he shielded his head. "We're running from little girls! LITTLE GIRLS, GUY!"

"Why are you yelling at me!?" Guy cried. "_I_ have an excuse, at least!"

" BECAUSE THESE AREN'T NORMAL GIRLS, THEY'RE EVIL! _EVIL_! We should have stopped somewhere else, damnit!" In his yelling, Luke wasn't really paying attention to where he was going...and thus, he didn't notice the ticking peanut butter patty beneath him.

Guy, however, did. "Luke! Watch out!" The blond shouted. He leaped to the side, shoving Luke away...and taking the explosion and the shower of crumbs and peanut butter-y crumble that followed himself.

Luke coughed as he sat up on the pavement. "Ugh...Guy? Guy?" He peered through the brownish orange dust from the explosion, shielding his eyes...only to see his best friend laying there on the pavement. "Guy!" He shouted, rushing over to him and falling to his knees. "Guy...no!"

"Luke..." Guy coughed weakly. "Luke...you have to get out..."

"No, not without you!" Luke sobbed dramatically, clenching fistfuls of Guy's now dusty leather jacket.

"I-It's too late for me Luke...go...you have to go..." Guy whispered.

"No!" The redhead shook his his dramatically. "I won't leave you! I won't!"

"Luke...I..." Guy coughed again, a somewhat dramatic gesture.

"Shut up, you bastard!" Luke suddenly snarled, his expression twisting into one of determination. He reached down and grabbed Guy's arm with a sort of dramatic flair, pulling the blond up so he was supporting Guy's weight with his shoulder. "We're gonna make it, damnit!"

"Luke, no!" The blond cried dramatically. "The peanut butter...it's too late for me, Luke! Run, save yourself!"

"Not without you!" Luke growled, slowly and dramatically stumbling his way towards the porsche. His body heaved with the effort, sweat beading upon his forehead, legs shaking beneath him. It was all very dramatic. "You're my best friend Guy, we're getting out of this together!"

"Luke..."

Meanwhile, all of the girl scouts had stopped to watch this entire dramatic scene take place, cringing at the overuse of "dramatically" on occasion but otherwise just sort of staring.

" ...What is their_problem_?" One wondered aloud.

"Seriously, their car is only like three feet in front of them..." Another observed.

"What a bunch of weirdos."

With this commentary running, Luke finally managed to throw Guy into the Tartarus, then crawled in himself. "Okay, now what?" He gasped as he collapsed in the driver's seat.

"Now? Drive, Luke! DRIVE!" Guy exclaimed, quite suddenly better and fearing for his life with proper vigor again.

And so they did just that. The engine roared to life, Luke slammed the car into gear, and with a squeal of tires and the screech of the poor van that became another victim of Luke's parking, the Tartarus swerved out of the parking lot and was gone.

The girl scouts were left standing there, looking very confused.

"O...kaaaay then." One finally said. "Well...I'm tired of fighting, you guys wanna go get some ice cream?" The rest of the girls all gave collective murmurs of agreement, then wandered off.

None of them seemed to notice that both of their leaders were mysteriously missing...

Meanwhile, Luke and Guy were making their way down the highway again.

"Guy?"

"Yeah, Luke?"

"The fact that we just ran away screaming from a bunch of little girls never leaves this car."

"My lips are sealed."

---

Several hours, dents, scraped bits of paint, and an interesting incident involving a chicken later, and Luke seemed to be doing a bit better at driving. And by "a bit better", the author means he finally stopped adding to the collection of stop signs that had been embedded to the front of the vehicle and wasn't hyperventilating.

"You know...this isn't so bad." Luke commented as he failed to use his turn signal and narrowly avoided a collision without even noticing.

"Y-yeah, you're doing a lot better, Luke." Guy said encouragingly, though his death grip remained on the seat.

"Yeah, I missed that one lady by a few yards, even!"

"Uh huh..."

"I...I am doing alright, aren't Guy?" Luke glanced over at his best friend, looking worried. "I mean, I'm still hitting things, but..."

The blond gave a small, but real smile. "Relax, Luke. It's only your first time. You'll get better with more practice." He assured.

"You think so?" The redhead murmured, sounding hopeful.

Guy's smile widened. "Yeah, of course! Now keep your chin up, I mean, come on, you haven't even hit anyone ye-- OH GOD LOOK OUT!"

"Wha!?" Luke's attention shifted from Guy to the road again...and it was a good thing that he did, as he was indeed speeding right towards a pedestrian. "GAAAH!" He swerved wildly, but he might as well have been aiming for all the good it did. Fortunately, the screeching tires were enough to alert the pedestrian, whom glanced up and let out a shout as he leaped out of the way and into some nearby bushes.

"HIT THE BRAKE, THE BRAKE!" Guy screamed.

Luke did just that, slamming his foot down on the pedal as hard as he could. The tires screeched, the porsche swerved, and they finally came to a stop after leaving some rather pleasant tire tracks in someone's front lawn. Both he and Guy collapsed in their seats, panting for breath.

"Phew...that was close...is the guy you almost hit okay?" Guy asked, glancing over at Luke.

Luke glanced over his shoulder and froze. "...Yes." He said, his voice suddenly squeaky. "Which might not be such a good thing."

"And why is that?" Guy blinked, glancing back as well, only to have his eyes widen in horror. "Oh..."

There was a very frazzled, very pissed looking Asch stalking towards them. His dark, expensive-looking clothes were frumpled and dirty looking, his long red hair matted, a single twig poking out of his swept back bangs.

"...Asch!?" The blond cried. "You almost hit ASCH!"

"We're going to die, we're going to die, first we're going to be torn limb from limb and then we're going to die. He's going to burn me alive and then dance on my grave..." Luke moaned, bashing his head against the steering wheel. "We never should have taken the damn posche, we're going to diieeee..."

" W-well, we might not _die_..." Guy mumbled hopefully.

The front grill of the car finally seemed to lose all will to remain where it was and crashed to the ground with a _clang_! The security alarm promptly went off, the loud beeps ringing through the neighborhood as the lights flashed.

"...G-Guy?"

"Yes Luke?"

"If we make it out of this...maybe we should consider enrolling me in driver's ed..."

"...I think that may be for the best, Luke."

---

**To Be Continued...**


	3. The Stuff in that Needle is Legal Right?

**-How Do You Stop This Thing?-**

**A Tales of the Abyss Crack!AU by Digitaldreamer**

**Made with much crack!help from t3h Kaya/Darkle  
Chapter Three: Sir, the Substance in that Needle is Legal, Right?**

**---**

_Well, the next chapter isn't finished quite yet, but since it's about time for an update I decided to post this one anyway. ...That and this chapter has Jade, therefore I place it decently high on the awesome scale._

_Um...not sure what else to say, really. Although if anyone has any crack ideas for high school AU type-dealies, you should review and tell me, because otherwise next chapter won't be coming anytime soon. Actually, reviews so I know people are reading is a good thing in itself. So review, please?_

_...right, on with the chapter.  
_  
---  
**  
**It's really amazing, the first things that come to mind when one first regains consciousness. For Luke, this was especially true.

_'Ugh...what happened to me?'_

_'...Where am I?'_

_'...Is that beeping?'_

_'...Why is Bananaphone stuck in my head? What the hell?'_

_'Seriously, what is that beeping?'_

_'...Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, bananaphoooone!'_

_'Come on Luke, focus! Why do you feel like you've been hit by a truck?'_

_'Ding dong ding dong ding-- GAH!'_

_'...Well, it IS a very catchy tune.'_

_'...Seriously though, where am I?'_

The redhead gave a groan and opened his eyes. The instant he did, he wished he hadn't, as the light was as blinding as the image of Iemon in a bikini. "Auuuugghh..." Luke moaned, squeezing his eyes shut again.

"Hey, you're awake!" Guy's voice rang out from above him.

Luke forced his eyes open again, spotting a blurry mess of blond and brown looming above him, which kept mixing together in a way that really made him want to throw up. He blinked, and his best friend swam into focus. "Nnngh...Guy?"

"Hey." The blond flashed a grin, the motion shifting a bandage on his face. "How're ya doin', buddy?"

"Auuuuuggghh." Luke groaned.

Guy winced. "That bad, huh?"

"What am I doing here? I feel like I got hit by a truck..." The redhead mumbled, craning his neck to glance at the various bandages and bruises that covered him from head to toe. From the looks of things, his assumptions weren't too far off.

The blond gave a small laugh. "Well, I suppose that's one way to describe it..." He said, scratching his head.

"Trust me, a truck would have been more merciful and let you die." A voice growled from the doorway.

Luke blinked, looking to the source of the voice. The instant he did, his face paled. "A-Asch!?" He stuttered, assuming the sort of expression that would be appropriate in the face of a head-on collision, an incoming tidal wave, or worse, In-laws.

"Originally I was just going to kill you." His twin continued, looming in the doorway. His green eyes livid, hands clenching into fists at his sides, black leather trench coat rippling over flexing muscles. "But then I decided that's way, _way_ too good for you. I intend for you to remain living to suffer for a long, long, _long_ time."

"It's...it's nice to see you too, Asch." Luke said weakly, giving a timid wave as sweat beaded on his brow. "C-came to visit me in the hospital, did you?"

"You know damn well I'm not here because I care for your well being." Asch growled, stalking across the room.

"But...what about that time when I had my tonsils removed?" Luke asked, cocking his head to the side. "I remember you visited...I mean, no one else yells as much as you do at hospitals or tries to strangle me with an IV cord, so it had to be you..."

"They were giving out free coupons to Chili's that day for any visitors, weren't they?" Guy wondered aloud.

"Oh yeah." Luke nodded. "Well, I guess I can't blame you for coming for that instead of me, they do have very delicious grilled foods." He said brightly. "I mean, there's those steaks and I know you love those rare and-- GACK!" He was cut off by Asch's gloved hands suddenly snatching him by the collar.

"I suppose before I continue with my destruction of your depressing likeness to my visage, I'll allow you to offer some pathetic attempt of an explanation as to _why _you thought you had _any_ sort of right to get within a hundred meters of my car, let alone_trash _it by trying to DRIVE it!" His twin snarled, shaking Luke with every emphasis, the boy's red head bobbing back and forth like some sort of very taken aback bobblehead.

"I-I-I'm sorry, Asch, I really am!" Luke cried, bringing bandaged arms up in a desperate attempt to defend himself. "J-just, we needed to...ah...ah...look, there was a world crisis, y-yeah!" He snapped his fingers, eyes lighting up. "A world crisis! So Guy and I had to take the Tartarus and...y-you know...do something about it! And well...you know, sometimes sacrifices needed to be made and unfortunately your car was one of them."

Silence.

Luke smiled nervously. Asch stared. Guy looked like he really, really would rather be anywhere else but there. Preferably someplace that didn't have an angry Asch.

"So...yeah...that's what we needed the Tartarus for. I-it was insured, right?" Luke finished lamely.

Silence.

Absently, Luke had to wonder if Asch was hot in that red long-sleeved turtleneck that he was wearing beneath his leather trenchcoat, since his face already seemed to be turning as red as his hair.

"Er...Asch?"

Asch's eye twitched.

Guy discreetly edged his way out of the room. He loved Luke, he really did, but in the case of Asch it was every man for himself...or more accurately, it was 'use Luke as a distraction, and run. Very fast'.

Seconds after the blond had slipped out the door, an interesting cacophony of screams erupted from within.

"OH GOD OH GOD ASCH, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY-- AUUUUUUGGHH!"

_CRASH!_

"YOU STUPID LITTLE DRECK! FIRST YOU DESTROY MY CAR, NOW YOU INSULT IT WITH THAT RIDICULOUS STORY!? YOU'RE DEAD!"

_BANG! CRUNCH!_

"I'M REALLY, REALLY, SORRY! IT WAS GUY'S IDEA AND-- Oh God, what are you going to do with that? Asch!? ASCH!? GA-ACK!"

"Sir, SIR! Please, it's against hospital policy for you to use IV cords to strangle patients! SIR!"

---

Ten doctors, five IV cords used in a very creative manner, and multiple tranquilizers later, Asch was lying in a bed right next to Luke, whom was staring blankly ahead at the wall with considerably more wounds.

"Wow." The younger of the two by twelve minutes murmured. "I didn't know doctors were capable of using needles like that."

"Shut up."

"I mean, _seriously_, there was the matrix moves, all the glowy special effects, and then there was that one with the _Mudkip_--"

"Shut up."

"And then those three hundred Spartans that just barged in and kicked that one evil undercover Persian doctor into a pit and--"

"Shut up."

"But seriously, that was awesome and so ridiculously unbelievable and it'd be a real shame if it were all skipped because we're in some really poorly written fanfiction and the author was too lazy to bother and thought it'd be funny to make the readers feel cheated."

"Shut up."

Silence.

"...Seriously, that was--"

"Shut up."

More silence.

"I hate you."

---

Meanwhile, Guy wasn't exactly happy either. When he'd left Luke's hospital room, he hadn't really realized that all the hallways in the building looked exactly the same. Thus, when he made a point to trying to get as far away from there as possible so he couldn't hear Luke screaming, he had no idea where he would end up.

Honestly, he was starting to think he should have just stayed with Luke.

"What's the matter, handsome?" Perfectly manicured fingers traced across his adam's apple. causing Guy to give a whimper even as a sultry voice whispered in his ear. "Why the long face?"

Guy gave a nervous laugh. "I-I-I...oh man..." He stuttered.

Really though, he was he supposed to know this place had a back room full of nothing but terrifyingly sexy nurses?

"Yeah...one would think a man would be...perfectly fine to be in a room full of women." Another drawled, licking her lips as she reached up his pant leg.

"G-GAH!" Guy yelped at this sudden close contact, trying to jump from their grasp...this, however, only lead to him toppling over, with roughly five of the nurses still clinging onto him.

"Come on Honey, stop struggling" One that remained positioned on top of him purred, her shirt going low enough to not leave much to the imagination.

"I-I-I-I..." Guy whimpered.

"You're hurt...let us make it _all better_, if you get what I mean." Another drawled, massaging his shoulders.

"I-I-I-..."

"Just relax. We'll take care of _everything_..."

"I-I-I- EEAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!"

---

Luke and Asch's hospital room had been quiet for awhile now. Asch had dozed off, apparently tired after all the uncontainable rage. Luke, however, remained wide awake, and from the looks of things, quiet bored.

The redhead glanced over at a snoring Asch, then gave a groan. "Why am I still here? I wanna go home and just forget this day ever happened..." He muttered, flopping back down.

"That can be arranged." A voice murmured in his ear.

Luke jumped, then glanced behind him. Nope, nothing. He and Asch were alone. The redhead's brow furrowed in confusion as he slumped back on the bed. He was about to close his eyes...and then he spotted the door.

It was wide open.

"What the...Guy?" The redhead glanced around the empty room. "Are you playing another trick on me? Cause I'm not gonna jump this time, so you can just give up now!"

Silence.

"...Guy?"

More silence.

"Huh...that's _really_ weird." Luke muttered in typically oblivious horror movie character fashion. He settled back down...and then he could feel someone breathing on the back of his neck.

The redhead froze, green eyes widening. "W-who's there?"

Silence save for heavy breathing.

"H-hello?"

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Luke shivered, his face pale as he sloooowly turned to look...then let out a scream as he came face to face with a pair of pure white lenses.

"GAAAAAH!" He screamed, tumbling back.

The owner of the glasses stepped back with a laugh that was really more of an evil cackle. "Forgive me, you seemed so pale that I had to check and see that you were alright." He said, adjusting the spectacles, strands of his long brown hair falling into his face. The irony in him calling Luke pale was great, seeing as his skin was the sort of shade that would make a zombie jealous. The crimson eyes, white doctor's coat, and diabolical grin really didn't help things.

"E-er...w-who..." Luke stuttered.

"Oh, I'm sorry, have I failed to introduce myself? How rude of me." The man gave a sweeping bow. "I am Dr. Mambo."

"But...your name tag says Dr. Jade Curtiss." Luke pointed out, brow furrowing.

"It doesn't if you don't want a scalpel protruding from your forehead." The doctor said brightly.

Luke whimpered and shrunk back. "Y-yes Dr. Mambo."

"You're a good patient. You may actually get morphine!" Jade beamed, pulling out a clipboard. "At any rate, it's nice to see you again, Luke."

"Again?" The boy repeated, brow furrowing. "But...I don't think I've ever met you before in my life."

"Oh, you silly, silly boy." Jade tsked, shaking his head. "Don't you know? We've known each other our entire lives!"

"Our entire lives?" Luke repeated.

"Of course! I mean, here I am, thirty-five years young, and you're _already_ forgetting me?" Jade gasped dramatically, grasping at his heart. "Oh, my heart! How could you do this to a lifelong friend of thirty-five years!?"

"B-but...but...I'm only seventeen." The redhead pointed out.

Jade promptly straightened up as he wrote something on the clipboard. "Since when does that change anything?"

Luke gaped up at Jade, looking horribly, horribly and depressingly confused. "B-but...how could I have known you your entire life if I'm..." He paused, brow furrowing as he counted. "Seventeen years younger than you?"

"That's eighteen." Jade corrected absently. "It's fine, math never was your strong point."

"B-but how do you--"

"Anyway!" Jade cut him off, pulling out a syringe filled with a strange liquid. "It seems your body has sustained a heavy amount of damage, so we're going to administer a little...treatment." His grin widened, something which seemed to succeed in scaring Luke a lot more.

"Wha!? Why do I need that!?" Luke cried, trying to squeeze himself deeper into the pillows of his bed. "All I have are a few cuts and bruises!"

Jade paused, frowning thoughtfully. "Hmm...you make a good point." He then grinned. "Luke, what would say if I told you we were conducting a little...experiment in the name of medicine?"

"AN EXPERIMENT!?" Luke's eyes widened.

"Oh." Jade's grin fell. "Well, forget I told you that part, then." He shrugged, then reached for Luke's arm.

"NO!" Luke shrieked, backing as far away from Jade as he could while still remaining on the bed.

Jade rolled his eyes. "Oh, calm down. I'm only administering a little something to help you relax." He said, holding up the syringe again.

"I-is it legal?" Luke stuttered.

"Well..." Jade paused to think on this for a moment. "No. But it may be in a few years if we're lucky."

"Gah!" Luke shrunk back even farther.

"Oh come now, stop that. Where's the fun in using legal substances anyway?" Jade rolled his eyes, this time succeeding in grabbing Luke's arm and pulling him over. "It's not like it's going to kill you, it'll just keep you quiet while I get you down to the lab and get things settled.

"The lab!?" Luke repeated, eyes widening.

"Honestly, are all of your reactions this over-the-top?" Jade shook his head, then inserted the syringe. "Just relax Luke. Remember, I'm a doctor." He smiled again, something which only managed to be even more unnerving.

"G-gah...augh..." Luke groaned, his vision going blurry almost instantly. "D-don't...uhn..."

The last thing he saw was Jade's smile before his world went dark in the form of a horrible "fade to black" technique that gets used far too many times in every fanfiction, movie, and book ever.

---

Guy, meanwhile, was walking down the hallway, looking incredibly dejected. "Man, what're the odds that those sexy nurses were going to give me a million dollars for being the billionth person to walk into that room, only to have some sort of otherworldly demon steal it from me five minutes later? Talk about depressing..." He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Oh well, can't be helped. I guess I'd better go see if Luke's alright..." The blond muttered, taking a left and heading down a hallway.

He continued onward for awhile, pausing when he saw a doctor exit a room and begin strolling down the hallway with a patient on a stretcher, whistling something akin to the eerily cheery tune from Kill Bill.

Guy stepped aside, allowing the doctor pass with a nod, then continued his way to Luke's room.

He made it about five paces before he paused, then turned back towards the doctor, whom had now turned the corner and vanished from sight, though the whistling remained.

"...Crap, that was Luke!" Guy cried, eyes widening in realization. With that, he tore after the stretcher, shoes squeaking on the linoleum floor. He skidded to a stop at the end of the hallway and turned...only to find the mysterious doctor was gone.

"...Wha?" The blond blinked in confusion. "That's...weird..." He shrugged, then continued through the hallway, searching for where the doctor could have disappeared to. Finally, he came to another hallway and turned...only to end up face to face with a beaming nurse.

"GAAAAH!" Guy cried, stumbling back.

The nurse blinked. "Um..."

"S-sorry ma'am." The blond gave a nervous smile. "Um...did you happen to see a kind of dorky looking kid with red hair pass by here on a stretcher? I'm kind of the middle of a rescue attem-- I mean, I'm visiting."

The nurse beamed again. "Why, yes I have."

"Great! Thanks for your help!" Guy said with a smile, making as if to edge past her...only to have her step right in his path, her smile unmoving. "Um...ma'am? I kind of have to get through..."

"I'm sorry, but only authorized personnel and direct family members are allowed beyond this point." The nurse said, still smiling in a way that was starting to get kind of eerie.

Guy's brow furrowed. "Oh, come on! I'm his best friend...babysitter...man servant...thing..." The blond trailed off, well aware of how bad the last bit sounded.

"...Man servant?" The nurse repeated, eyebrows raising as she looked him up and down.

"...It's not as gay as it sounds, I...I..." The blond trailed off again. One of these days, he really should consider a look that didn't include such tight pants, and a collar, he really should.

"...I see." The nurse drawled, a look of new understanding coming across her face.

"I-it's not like that!" Guy sputtered, face growing red. "J-just...look, I need to see him!"

"Sir, regardless of your...status with this boy, none of it counts for blood relation, so I'm afraid you'll have to wait in the waiting room like everyone else."

The blond gave a groan of frustration, trying to squeeze past. "Oh, come on! Look, if you knew the kid, you'd know that he can't be in a room alone with a bunch of sharp objects! He needs me!" Guy exclaimed.

Again, the nurse stepped in his path. "I'm sorry sir, but we are trained medical professionals. I assure you your..." She trailed off, smile faltering for a moment as she sought for a politically correct term. " _Friend_ is perfectly safe with us."

Guy scowled. "I don't care, just let me see him!" He snapped, getting more annoyed by the second as he tried to step past the nurse. "Look, just give me five minutes, alright? I won't do anything!"

"I'm sorry sir, but it's against hospital policy--"

"Screw hospital policy!" The blond growled. "Sorry miss, nothing against you, you're a nice lady and all, but Luke could be in danger! Now _good bye_!" With that, he weaved around the nurse and took off running down the hallway.

The nurse turned to watch him go, then smirked, pushing up her glasses. "I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that."

Quite suddenly several syringes flew through the air, aiming straight for Guy. The blond gave a shout and ducked, the needles embedding into the wall behind him. "Why is everyone out to kill me today!?" He cried, shielding his head as he ran.

The doors lining the hallway opened and roughly twenty doctors in scrubs came running out, their eyes flashing as the background quite suddenly became all swooshy and anime-like."You cannot pass!" One shouted, whipping out a variety of tongue depressors.

"Indeed, we know what's best for the patient!" Another declared, swinging around an IV tower and bag of fluids like a mace.

"I don't know how the background is doing that crazy seizure-inducing Japanese thing, but I'm coming through anyway!" Guy called out, ducking as another round of syringes flew past and leaping as an IV cord was swung in his direction. He skidded across the floor, then leaped and rolled across it, tripping three of his assailants and sending the rest tumbling into a heap behind him. As he tumbled past he grabbed an IV tower, holding it before him as a sword to block another doctor. He knocked the doctor back (gently, because Guy was a Very Nice Guy), then proceeded down the hallway.

"Come and get me, if you can!" He called behind him with a smirk.

One of the doctors groaned, trying to force himself to stand. "We can't let him get away, he could excite the patient!"

"Quick, call in reinforcements!" Another cried out.

And so they did just that. Wave after wave of the scrubbed army came bursting out of doors, wielding things like syringes, bandages, tongue depressors, scalpels, office chairs, and in an interesting case, a girl whom was foaming at the mouth and screaming something about "JADE/LUKE OTP, RAAAASSSSK!!111oneoneone" Guy fought through their ranks bit by bit, never faltering.

Finally, he came to the end of the hallway, wherein he was left with a choice...should he go right, or left? Seeing as there was an army of screaming doctors behind him, Guy had little time to decide, and so finally with a dramatic shout ("FOR LUKE!") he leaped to the right...

...Only to find himself facing a dead end.

"What!?" Guy sputtered, eyes widening in horror. "You have to be kidding me! What kind of hospital makes a hallway that leads _nowhere_!?" He cried, turning and making as if to go the other way...then skidding to a stop a few seconds later as he realized he was now face to face with a whole bunch of angry doctors.

"O-oh...hey guys..." The blond gave a nervous laugh. "No hard feelings about the IV cord to the gut, right? ...Guys? Guys? Isn't hurting me against the hypocratic oath or whatever?"

"We'll worry about that once you're a _patient_." A nurse hissed.

"Oh dear."

---

Luke awoke with a groan. "Oh man...what happened?" He mumbled, blinking and squinting against the blindingly bright light above him. An attempt to move his arms and legs revealed them to be, in typical hostage fashion, restrained. He seemed to be strapped to a large medical table, to be precise.

"Great. How come I seem to be spending so much of today in bondage?" Luke wondered aloud, then winced. "...Oh WOW that sounded bad." The redhead shook his head as if trying to clear it, then glanced around.

He seemed to be in a mad scientists dream lab. Cylinders and beakers of all sorts were arranged in somewhat haphazard ways on tables, a variety of multicolored liquids and gasses contained within. There were machines that Luke could only guess at their purpose. Judging from the pointy blades and things that adorned them, whatever the purpose was, it was likely to be painful.

"What the..." Luke trailed off, then flopped back and groaned as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Okay, either I'm dreaming, or I'm on drugs. Or I'm asleep while on drugs and this is a crack dream."

"I'm afraid it's neither." Jade chirped, suddenly appearing above him. "At least, the drug _shouldn't_ be affecting you like that, at any rate."

"GAH!" Luke cried, quite nearly jumping clear off the table. "Don't _do _that!"

"My apologies." Jade drawled with no sincerity what-so-ever. "Honestly, you would think you'd be more grateful to me after saving your life."

Luke's brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, you know...twenty years ago, the waterfall..."

"I wasn't alive twenty years ago!" Luke snapped.

"Of course, that's where the time capsule came in." Jade said with a shrug.

"What?" The redhead blinked.

"...Oh, right, I erased that memory. Never mind then." The doctor said with a wave of his hand.

"B-but...but..." Luke stuttered, looking very, very confused.

"At any rate, just relax." Jade said calmly as he began picking through various tools, holding things like scalpels and needles up to the light and squinting at them before shaking his head and setting them down. "We're only going to run a few tests and then we'll let you go on your way."

"I don't _need_ a few tests!" Luke snapped. "I _need_ to go home and forget this all ever happened!"

"That can be arranged." Jade remarked cheerily as he squinted at the butcher's knife in his hand for a moment, then set it down. "Although you might happen to forget other things, like your name and how to breathe."

Luke ignored that as he flopped back onto the table with a groan. "I'm not even supposed to be here...I shouldn't have even got up this morning..." He muttered. "Stupid Guy...I'm never going to be as good as Asch, so why bother trying? It just ends with more stupid messes like this one..."

"Oh, angst, angst, angst." Jade rolled his eyes as he twirled an axe in his fingers before setting it down. "Honestly, you teenagers are all the same."

Luke scowled. "I'm sorry you're too old to remember what it was like to be one of us, then!"

"I suppose that's true." Jade hummed as he pulled a sword from its sheath and glanced it over, then tossed it aside with a clang.

"Yeah...well...ugh!" The redhead gave a growl of frustration. "You wouldn't get it, alright!? So just lay off and leave me alone!"

"'Oh, boo hoo, nobody loves me or understands me so I'm going to go cry in the rain where no one can see my tears.'" Jade shook his head, fixing crimson eyes on Luke for a moment. "Believe it or not...I understand things a lot better than you think. But you're not going to listen to that, are you?" Luke huffed, then looked away. Jade shrugged. "Suit yourself." He murmured, hefting up a chain-saw and revving it up.

Luke's eyes widened and he tried to angle himself so he could see what exactly was going on behind him. "What are you doing!?" He cried, green eyes wide.

"Don't you trust me?" Jade asked innocently.

"NO!"

"Oh, I'm hurt. I fully expected to be seen as your mercy angel by now." The doctor rolled his eyes and tossed the chainsaw aside, finally picking up the scalpel. "Honestly, no one can take a joke these days..." He muttered, finally making his way towards Luke.

"W-what are you going to do with that?" Luke asked, looking somewhat panicked.

"Oh, just dissect you slowly while you're still alive." Jade said nonchalantly.

"W-WHA!?"

"Oh, come now, don't look like that. Sacrifices have to be made for research you know." The doctor tsked.

"I-I...I..."

Jade rolled his eyes. "Relax, I'm only joking. In all seriousness though, hold still." He drawled, adjusting his glasses and pulling on gloves. "Time to get serious, I suppose." He reached behind him, pulling an object out.

Luke's eyes widened in horror. "W-wait...what're you...OH GOD NO, NO, ANYTHING BUT THAT! DON'T! NOOOOOOOOO!"

---

It was about half an hour later that Guy stumbled into Asch and Luke's room, looking rather like he'd just fought with a first aid kit and suffered a terrible, humiliating loss. Asch didn't even look up as he walked in, appearing quite engrossed in a book titled "My Life As A Teenage Scowling Red-Haired Bastard With a Stupid Replica Who Stole Everything From Me". He had happened to find it in the "Lone Wolf Cliche" section of Borders, and ignoring Luke and Guy's comments on how "That is _far_ too eerily accurate to be a coincidence" he had bought it. It was an interesting read, he had learned several pointers on the arts of scowling (remember, don't show too much teeth or you just look stupid), wardrobe (you can never have too much black leather and symbolic print), and bitching about everything ever. Apparently, it was a very useful book. Luke and Guy felt it was useful too, until Asch had realized Luke was using it to balance out the short leg on his desk, but that's another story entirely.

With a groan Guy flopped into a chair, covering his face with his battered arm. "Hey, Asch." He mumbled.

Asch grunted in response, which Guy interpreted to either mean "Hello Guy, what a lovely day it is, I really want to kill my brother right now" or "Go away".

"How long have you been here?"

"Hn." Asch grunted again, which Guy took to mean "A few hours, although I was asleep for a bit of it. Stupid doctors and their tranquilizers. I'll kill them after I'm finished with you and Luke".

"Ah." Guy muttered, running a hand through his hair. "I guess you weren't awake when Luke was taken, then."

"Nn?" Asch grunted yet again, which Guy figured meant "What?"

"Oh, just some doctor kidnapped him and is now probably trying to kill him... I mean, I have to figure what with the whole creepy Kill Bill whistling that was his intent." Guy shrugged.

"_What_?" Asch actually spoke this time, putting down his book to glare at Guy.

The blond blinked. "I thought you knew."

"No, I didn't." The redhead growled. "I was under the impression he'd gotten lost again and we'd find him in the maternity ward getting along pathetically well with the expectant mothers while they knit him sweaters like last time."

Guy shook his head. "Nah, not this time. I tried to rescue him but they won't let me through since I'm not family..." The blond sighed, putting his face in his hands. "Great, now what? That guy's gonna kill Luke...maybe if I try again..."

"Wait, let me see if I got this straight." Asch said, brow furrowing. "You mean to tell me someone _other_ than me is trying to kill my brother?"

"Um...yeah, that was the general idea."

Asch stared for a moment. "Well, fuck that." He growled, tossing aside his book and getting to his feet.

"Wha?" Guy blinked, looking immensely confused as Asch stalked past him, grabbing his arm and pulling him along. "Whoa, Asch, what are you doing!?"

"Like _Hell_I'm going to let some stupid doctor take away my right to kill that stupid dreck!" The redhead snarled as he stomped out the door. "Come on Guy!"

"W-where are we going!?" Guy stuttered, struggling to keep up as Asch rushed down the hallway.

"To get my car."

---

"Er, Asch?" Guy began carefully, with the sort of nervous tone one would have when approaching a serial killer.

"Yes?" Asch growled, his voice tight as his fists clenched around the steering wheel of his very battered porsch.

"Why are we out here?" The blond gestured to the two of them buckled into the porsch. "When Luke is in there?" He pointed to the hospital, which sat there looking rather innocent, white, and kind of depressing.

The redhead scowled. "You really don't know anything, do you?" He growled. "No wonder you'd rather hang around my brother, you fit together perfectly." With that, he revved up the car.

Guy shot a nervous look at Asch. "What're you--"

"We're staging a rescue attempt, what does it look like!?"

"But...damnit Asch, you're family, you can just walk right in!" Guy pointed out. "Is this _really_ necessary!?"

Asch just glared at him.

"I-I mean...what did the nice hospital ever do to you?" Guy asked weakly. "I know you're a pissy kind of guy, but ramming a hospital is--"

"Would you shut up already!?" Asch growled, his fists clenching around the steering wheel again. "You sure this part of the hospital is where my brother is?"

"Well, yes, but--"

Asch slammed his booted foot down on the gas.

"_VROOM!_" Went the car.

"_SCREEEEEEEE!"_Went the tires.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Went Guy.

"WELCOME TO AULDRANT, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Went Asch in a moment of complete OOC-ness.

"_CRUNCH!"_ Went the rear wall of the hospital.

And quite suddenly the beaten up Tartarus was squealing through the hallways of the hospital, screaming doctors and nurses scrambling to get out of it's way.

"Oh God Oh God OH GOD!" Guy whimpered as he clutched at the seat for his life. "We're going to DIE!"

"Would you SHUT UP, I'm trying to drive!" Asch snarled as he succeeded in breaking down another wall, tires squealing across the linoleum as he sped down the hallway at the sort of speed one would consider suicidal.

"ARE YOU, ASCH!? ARE YOU REALLY!?" Guy snapped. "Because it seems more like you're trying to KILL US!"

"Not yet!" Asch growled, swerving around a corner and narrowly missing a patient. "But you seem to be begging for me to get your appointment done with early!"

"It's not MY fault your driving sucks!"

"My driving is perfectly fine!"

BAM!

"YOU JUST HIT SOMEONE"

"He had it coming! Besides, I'm only going thirty, he'll live."

"THIRTY IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUILDING!" Guy cried.

"It's not like there's a set limit!"

"YOU'RE INSANE!"

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME DRIVE!?"

Guy gave a shout of frustration, tugging at his hair. "Do you even know where we are!?"

Asch scowled. "No, I thought you'd tell me where I was going!"

"I never got this far!"

"Are you serious!?" Asch scowled as he hit another doctor. "Damn, you're useless!"

Guy bit back another comment and rolled his eyes, sitting back in his seat and huffing. There was no point in arguing with Asch, he always won due to pure stubbornness.

They drove a few minutes in awkward silence, save for the yelling outside and the occasional WHUMPH! as they hit another doctor.

"We've been here already..." Guy finally said as they turned another corner to reveal a torn apart hallway.

"I'm aware!" Asch ground out through gritted teeth.

They sat in silence for another few moments.

"Look, just pull over, I'm sure there's a map somewhere." Guy said.

"I do not need a map." Asch growled.

Silence.

"Okay, come on Asch, we've passed the maternity ward three times now, just pull over and--"

"_NO!"_

Guy gave another shout of frustration. "Damnit Asch, this is why I prefer Luke over you!"

"Why, because he's not capable of _anything_ so you can baby him!?" Asch snapped back.

"_No_!" Guy grunted out as he grabbed for the steering wheel. "Because he's not a complete _asshole_ like you!"

"Stop that!" Asch snarled, batting at Guy.

"No! I'm driving!" Guy snapped, tugging at the steering wheel. The car swerved, knocking into a wall before being pulled back on course.

"You are not! This is my car!"

"It's not like _you're_ doing any better!" The blond snarled, reaching for the steering wheel again.

"STOP THAT!" Asch roared. The two proceeded to tug at the steering wheel in opposite directions, causing the car to swerve and weave through the halls. Finally, with a yell Guy tugged the wheel sharply to the left, causing the car to swerve directly towards the dead end Guy had ended up at earlier.

"You are such a bastard!" Guy snapped over the roar of the engine.

"At least I'm not a complete and total _girl_ like you!" Asch replied.

"Ooh, what a tearing insult!" Guy sneered. "I'm so hurt!"

"SHUT UP!"

"YOU SHUT UP!"

And then quite suddenly the front of the porsche connected with drywall. Both Guy and Asch cried out as they were suddenly thrown forward, a great "BANG!" resounding through the air as white dust and pieces of plaster showered down upon them. The porsche rolled to a stop in something like a mad scientist's dream lab...and there, tied to a table looking pale and horrified, was Luke. His face was illuminated by a TV that had been pulled in front of him, green eyes wide and lifeless as static appeared on the screen.

"And that, Luke, is where babies come from." Jade said brightly, walking out from behind the TV.

"...I...I...I didn't know women could _do_ that..." Luke whimpered.

"Indeed. Terrifying, isn't it?" Jade beamed, then glanced up at his destroyed wall and the porsche, arching a brow. "And it seems you have visitors."

Both Asch and Guy blinked at the scene before them. Then Guy elbowed Asch, whom jumped, then shook his head and forced open his door, stumbling out. "You get your slimy hands off of my stupid dreck of a brother!" He snarled.

"Yeah, let Luke go!" Guy agreed, pointing dramatically.

"Asch! Guy!" Luke cried, craning his neck to see his rescuers. The instant his eyes fell upon Asch they widened, his expression becoming almost teary. "Y-you came! You really do love me!"

"Don't misunderstand!" Asch snapped. "I'm here because no one but me is allowed to murder you!"

Luke's face fell. "Oh. B-but that's really only your harsh exterior, right? You really do still love me!?"

"No. I hate you." Asch said bluntly.

"_I _love you, Luke!" Guy called out, but went ignored.

"Well then, isn't this just a cornucopia of love and affection?" Jade drawled, hands behind his back. "My Luke, I forgot you had such...interesting companions."

"Damn straight, you bastard!" Guy declared, glancing around for a moment before picking up a large pole from the ground. "And you're not gonna stop us from saving Luke!"

"Yeah!" Asch agreed, hauling up the sword Jade had tossed aside earlier.

"Well, in all honesty I didn't plan to..." Jade said slowly, but went ignored.

"W-wait, you get a sword!?" Guy exclaimed. "That's not fair!"

"Shut up and move!" Asch snapped. With that, the two charged past beakers and machines, rushing over to Luke. A quick slice from Asch released Luke from his bonds, and Guy scooped Luke up with ease. Luke just kind of sat there, looking a bit confused.

"Um, what about--"

He was interrupted as the two turned and ran towards the car.

"MOVE MOVE MOVE!" Asch called out as Guy scrambled over various wires and threw open the backdoor, tossing Luke in like a sack of adorable idiocy.

"Drive, drive, DRIVE!" Guy called out dramatically as he dove in beside a still very confused Luke.

Asch grunted, which Guy took to mean "I hate you but I'll do what you say this once" and slammed his foot down on the gas, causing the tires to squeal dramatically as the car swerved in reverse, taking out a good portion of the lab in the process, then drove away.

Jade just stood there as the sound of squealing tires faded into the distance.

"I was just going to say they could sign a release form like everyone else...but I suppose it doesn't matter." He shrugged, turning back to his work. "I'll be seeing them again soon enough, after all..."

---

**To Be Continued...**

_Every time someone reads this chapter and doesn't review, a puppy dies. Please, think of the puppies._


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